Country route vs. city route

Driving a country route is just like driving a city route except there are more cows -- most of the time way off in a pasture, sometimes right in the middle of the road. The only other thing that's different between the two are the riders themselves. Country riders and city riders are as different as night and day -- so much so that a blind bus driver (and there are a lot of them out there, I guarantee!) could tell the difference.

When a bus full of city riders pass over a dead skunk, they scream and shout and hold their noses, some even pretending to faint dead away in the aisles. Country riders say, "What? I don't smell nothing!"

When a bus full of city riders see a deer out in the woods (not that they would, but let's just pretend), they scream and shout, "Look, there's a deer. It's Bambi. Isn't he beautiful?" Country riders take one look at the deer's rack, pull out pretend deer rifles and blow the buck to smithereens.

When a bus full of city riders see the bus hit a squirrel trying to cross the road, they scream and shout for the driver to be more careful next time because squirrels are so cute and huggable. Country riders beg the bus driver to stop so they can scoop up the remains because squirrels taste great in stew.

City riders are in a hurry to get home because they have TV, the internet, GameBoy and Nientendo waiting for them. Country riders are in no hurry because when they get home, they have to stack hay bales, feed the cows and walk the pig around the block before they can do their homework.

And finally, city riders think they can get away with anything because they believe the bus driver can’t do much about it. Country riders, on the other hand, tow the line because the driver lives just down the road, knows every parent by first name, and those same parents have given him permission to "do whatever it takes to make my child behave and I'll support you without question."

Thank God I'm a country boy!

The five most dreaded words said on a bus

I've been driving for a long time and can tell you not much gets to me anymore. Hit a rabbit? Well, that's too bad. Blow a tire? So what! Get hit by a John Deere tractor? Been there, done that! But there is one thing that makes my guts tighten up in mortal terror; one thing that every bus driver dreads to hear -- especially when they're driving down an old country road in the middle of nowhere; five little words spoken by a frantic little rider usually right in your ear when you least expect it. And those five little words are: "I feel like throwing up!"

Now, teachers have it easy. All they have to do is yell, "Run to the bathroom. Run! Quick! Don't stop for anyone or anything!" And off the little bugger goes, happy to vomit in the toilet or at least in the hall if he doesn't quite make it -- which still is a whole lot better than barfing up last night's chicken wings in front of his friends and neighbors. But on a bus, there's nowhere to run, there's nowhere to hide.

"Mr. Bus Driver, Little Johnny just barfed up some oatmeal right in seat No. 4!" Yep! That can really make a bus driver's day. The only thing we can be thankful for is not being Little Suzie, who just happened to be sitting by Little Johnny, and now has oatmeal chunks all over her brand new dress.

But still, that's a whole lot better than having a rider come up and say into your ear, "I feel like throwing up." Holy Moly, child. Stay in your seat and barf on the floor if you have to. Barf on Little Johnny because he probably deserves it. But please, don't barf on me, and definitely not in my ear!

Here kitty, kitty, kitty

For all of you new drivers (and old drivers who don't think about these things but should because it could happen to you), you should have a checklist of things to do before you walk away from your bus in the evening. Things like set the brake, turn off the lights, make sure all the students are off the bus before you start cussing. But that's not all. You should never forget to completely close the bus door after each and every route. And this is why -- CATS!

Some time ago, I got on my bus for my morning route and noticed something dark in my seat. I hadn't driven the afternoon before, so I thought the sub driver had placed in my chair an article of kid's clothing that he had found on the bus. To my surprise, the "article of clothing" MOVED. I quickly turned on my dome lights to find three newborn kittens in my seat. IN MY SEAT!! I gave them to a cafeteria lady and have no idea what she did with them (yeah, right!), but I learned my lesson to always shut my door completely at the end of the day -- that is, until I forgot this past week and left my door barely cracked open.

And what did I find on my bus this time? I wasn't sure at first because it was early in the morning and dark, but when I went to pick it up, it kindof broke apart between my fingers (luckily I had gloves on). I quickly turned on my dome light and found -- CAT BARF!! That's right, I said CAT BARF!! But at least it wasn't in my seat this time.

So take it from me -- get off the bus and then CLOSE THE DOOR! And DON'T forget!

All rested up and ready to Rock 'n Roll!

Two weeks at home can really drive a guy like me bonkers. Get up, sit around, get the mail, go to in-law's, come back home and watch some TV, fall sleep on the couch, get up and start it all over again, and wonder how I'm ever going to survive retirement. It drives a guy bonkers so much so that ANYTHING, even work, is a welcomed escape. So now, with my bones (and buns) thoroughly rested, I'm ready to hop into the big chair, turn that key, and get to rollin', rollin', rollin', keep those dawgies rollin', rawhide!

And I know just how I'm going to start off this new year. Assigned Seats! No more of this "she won't give me my marker back," and "He's sitting too close to me," and "she's eating something and she's not supposed to," and "when are we going to get home because I really have to pee!" Nope, I'm giving everybody an assigned seat -- away from their friends and people they bug -- and I'm going to tell them that if I hear just one word from them -- just ONE WORD -- I'm gonna, I'm gonna...and I will, too.