Where does all this trash come from?

Do you remember "Pigpen," the character in the Peanuts comic strip that walks around in a cloud of dirt? Well, HE RIDES MY BUS!! I swear it! I'd recognize that little dirt cloud anywhere, and so would you! Of course, I can't figure out which one of my riders actually IS Pigpen because he's riding incognito (I'm sure after all those years of living in the public eye he just wants to live a simple life, like you and me), but I know he rides my bus. I just KNOW it!

In fact, I think his cousins ride the bus, too, but I'm not sure which ones they are, either.

Now, I can't say my bus is the cleanest in the fleet. I try to get my riders to throw things away in the trashcan, to not eat on the bus, to leave everything in their backpacks -- but they're kids, and it's better if I worry about that 18-wheeler coming my way instead of whether or not Little Johnny is dumping his backpack all over the floor. But when I DO sweep up their mess (which I hate to do worse than anything), it's messy again by the end of the next day! Why? It's Pigpen!

One day I'm going to find him. And when I do, I'm going to ask for his autograph, ask what it was like to work with such great characters as Charlie Brown and Snoopy, and ask that he clean up my bus or find some other way to get to school!

Me -- a bus driver for the Stars! Who would have thunk it?

Never trust you gauges

The most important piece of advice given to me in my early days of driving was this: Don't trust the kids, don't trust the weatherman, and never trust your gauges. It may sound to you like a pessimistic way of going through life, but if you've never been a bus driver, then you don't know up from down and you need to keep your opinions to yourself.

Don't trust kids -- The other day one of my older riders "swore" he didn't have a can of Pepsi hidden in his jacket, even though I knew he was hiding one. And then he "swore" the Pepsi wasn't his, that he bought it for someone else. And then he "swore" he wasn't going to drink it because he was taking it home to a dying relative whose last wish was to have one more Pepsi even if the doctors forbade it. Guess what I found after my route? An empty Pepsi can. I guess tomorrow he'll "swear" it was there when he got on the bus and that it wasn't his.

Don't trust the weatherman -- The other day our local weatherman said there would be no chance of rain for a week. So, after my route, since I was in a hurry to get home and watch "Wheel of Fortune," I didn't close the windows on the bus -- and it rained cats and dogs. We needed the rain -- but not in my bus.

Never trust your gauges -- When my bus is running on fumes, my fuel gauge reads only half empty. If I were to trust my fuel gauge, I'd end up out of fuel in the cow pasture with a bus load of little ones, surrounded by a herd of cows "taking care of business." And every one of those little ones would be covering their noses and begging to walk home -- even if their homes were just around the corner, which they never are. I ran out of fuel once that way, and I'll never let it happen again. When the odometer reads that I've gone 350 miles, I start thinking about adding fuel.

Yep, these are all life lessons that are not taught in any school. You have to learn them by experience, trial and error, getting up at 5 and grabbing the bus by the horns and teaching it who's boss!

What a life!

Let's go muddin'

Oh yeah, baby! There's nothing quite like going muddin' in a bus. Of course, I don't partake of the fun every day, but if the opportunity arises, I don't mind taking advantage of it and letting the devil take the hindmost. Of course, then I have to come up with an explanation of why there's so much mud on and IN the bus, but that's a small price to pay for the fun of it!

So, I was coming around a corner, with a full load on my bus, when I saw a dead tree lying across the road. Couldn't go over it, couldn't go under it -- had to go around it, even if it meant letting a little mud fly. Of course, going "cross country" gave the riders something to talk about all day. And when they were all on the bus in the afternoon, that's what they were still talking about -- and that's what they wanted to do again!

Nothing wrong with a little muddin'! Getting stuck isn't so great, but muddin' is!

Ask your bus driver

Dear Mr. Bus Driver: Little Johnny keeps taking out his pencils and markers and won't put them away in his backpack when I tell him to. What should I do?
Dear Rider: Leave Little Johnny alone. The only way some people learn is the hard way, and when he gets his eye poked out, he'll remember next time to keep them in his backpack (his pencils, not his eye).

Dear Mr. Bus Driver: I'm in 2nd grade and I really like the boy who sits in Seat No. 15. I think he's in 6th grade. If you would give him an assigned seat next to me, I'd be your best friend forever.
Dear Rider: He's too old for you. He probably doesn't even know your name. And besides, if it's the boy I'm thinking of, you don't WANT him to sit by you.

Dear Mr. Bus Driver: I really don't think you know how to drive. I bet monkeys could drive this bus better than you. You drive too slow, you hit all the bumps, and frankly, I think you're too old. Have you ever thought about retiring?
Dear Rider: Thank you for your kind observations. I drive slow because I'm trying to aggravate you. I hit all the bumps because you sit in the back and I like to see you fly. I may be old, but I'm not dumb enough to say a lot of bad things in a letter, then sign it like you did, Randy Smith, 9th grader who sits in Seat No. 25, who lives at 101 Maple Street.