Getting a school bus education

I don't understand why kids complain about riding the bus. They get to see so many things and learn so many valuable lessons while riding that I would think they'd be begging to take the bus to school and back.

For instance: Just the other day as we were passing by the dairy farm, we got to see a dead cow in the middle of the pasture, being devoured by vultures. We're not talking about "Jungle Book" vultures that sing and talk with fake British accents, nosirree! We're talking about real, live, rip-the-beast-apart-until-it's-just-bones vultures that are almost as big as 747s. Yep, non-riders won't see that stuck in a classroom!

And then there was the time a wild horse broke out of its pen and we got to see a real rodeo roundup. And while we were waiting, we got to see some cows engaging in "cow love." If that's not an education in and of itself, I don't know what is.

One of my first stops is at a house where the father meets his little girls out in the front yard -- without a shirt on. Now, if he had abs like a body builder, it wouldn't be so bad (well, it would be for me because I don't get a thrill out of seeing male abs), but he doesn't. He has a body like Drew Carey. And what do my young riders learn from seeing this beer-gut extrovert? They learn that they better get to the gym and watch what they eat. Sometimes, seeing the results of bad habits is a stronger learning tool than just hearing a lecture about it.

Yep, the school bus is just one more part of the process we call education. So, put you're kids on the bus -- you'll be surprised what they tell you when they get home.

School Bus Philosophy

Every morning after I've cranked up Bus No. 6, I relax behind that big bus steering wheel, listen to the engine warm up, and contemplate the meaning of life and my place in the universe. I haven't made many discoveries yet, but I keep at it.

I bet most bus drivers are closet philosophers and can tell you more about life and living than Oprah. For instance, just the other day I realized that after a person has driven a bus for more than five years, that person starts to look and act just like their bus.

Need proof? Well, here ya go: The gentleman who drives Bus No. 54 talks a big game but that's what it always is -- just talk. His bus has a great heater, but all the heat stays up front.

Ready for more? The lady who drives Bus No. 33 always wears too much makeup. Her bus is spotless -- but underneath, it's still just a bus.

How about this: Bus No. 41 has a bunch of get-up-and-go, but once it reaches cruising speed, you'd get to wherever you're going faster if you just got out and walked. The gentleman who drives the bus is exactly the same -- great on ideas, but terrible at getting it done.

And finally: I drive Bus No. 6. It rattles a lot, makes a lot of noise, but it's nothing really worth listening to. Need I say more?

North to Alaska

I've always wondered what it would be like to drive a school bus in Alaska. In fact, several years ago I was offered a job up there, way beyond the Arctic Circle, but the wife put her foot down -- right on my toes -- and that was the end of that.

But still, it got me wondering what sort of things those Alaskan school bus drivers must be prepared for as they go out on each and every route.

I can imagine that they have to keep a set of blankets, one for each child, just in case the bus breaks down in the middle of nowhere, but do you think they might also carry a portable wood burning stove as well? Just go out, chop down some wood, and keep those kids nice and toasty until help comes? I don't know.

If they do, then that means they also have to carry an axe or a chainsaw. You can't chop down trees with just a pocket knife.

But if you're out in the wilderness, chopping down trees in the middle of nowhere, wouldn't there be a high risk of being attacked by a Grizzly Bear? I betcha the chances are pretty good. So does that mean the drivers also have to be packing weapons -- say a deer rifle or maybe a bazooka? I don't know.

And what would happen if a bus driver WAS attacked by a Grizzly and he/she killed it? They'd have to be prepared to field dress it, so that means extra knives and forks, because you wouldn't want that meat to go to waste -- especially since you have a bus load of cold, hungry children who hadn't had their supper.

Yep, I bet it would be one adventure after another up there. So, if you know of any Alaskan bus drivers who would like to swap routes for a week or two, just let me know. I'm raring to go!

To Pee or Not to Pee?

To Pee or Not to Pee? That is the question. Whether it be nobler to stand tall and refuse to take "the cup" or bow down to rules and regulations and try not to get any pee on your hands is a question that has already been answered. We pee! And if we don't, someone else is driving our route and taking home the paycheck.

But that doesn't mean we can't "work the system" every now and then.

So, follow along with me on this one: It's 2 p.m. You just got the call that it's your turn to fill the cup. And it's a good thing too because you've been needing to pee for quite some time. But wait -- today is Little Johnny's birthday, and all 12 of his never-been-aboard-a-bus friends are all riding to his house for the party. Just thinking about it makes you want to do some heavy drugs -- but you can't because "the cup," it is awaiting.

So, let's work the system a bit: Before you head over to the "Drug Testing Area," pee like a horse and get it all out of your system. Then, since you won't be able to pee up to the line, you'll have to stay there until you do. Even if it's all day! Even if it's all day and past you bus route time. Which means, BY LAW, somebody else is going to have to drive a bunch of boys home to a birthday party.

Now, of course, there is a price to pay. There's ALWAYS a price to pay. When you "discover" you just can't pee up to the line, they're going to ask you to drink a couple of huge glasses of water to get some pee out of you. And do you know what happens when you have to drink a couple of back-to-back huge glasses of water? Not only will you fill up that cup today, but you'll be peeing every hour on the hour for the rest of the week.

So, I guess you have to weigh the pros and cons. Either that, or just PRETEND that you can't pee. Keep pretending up until the time those buses pull out with all those little children, then let the good times flow.

Hmmmm, I wish I had thought of that earlier. Excuse me...I have to pee again.