Bus No. 6: September 2009

Being One With The Bus

Most of the time, I like to get out to the bus early, crank it up, and just sit there and think. It would be better if the bus wasn't so loud (speak up, I'm losing my hearing), but still, I can't think of a better way to spend five to 10 minutes in the morning before heading out to pick up a bus load of little "darlings."

You see, I hate being rushed in the morning. Sometimes I get on the bus just about the time I should be leaving and I feel cranky the rest of the day. But if I get there early, I can sit there, contemplate the meaning of our existence (or at least mine), and figure out all those things that I should have figured out yesterday, but I was in too much of a hurry to do so.

So, I sits there and I thinks. I call it "Being One With The Bus!" The Bus is all around us, it flows through us, it does our bidding, and it binds the whole universe together. But, beware the Dark Side of the Bus. Through the Dark Side is wanton destruction and pickle juice all over the floor.

So, my trusted followers, you must learn the Ways of the Bus if you are to be one with the universe -- and being one with The Bus is the only way to true happiness.

Live long and prosper, and may The Bus be with you!

She had a pickle!

I could not believe what I was seeing. Sitting in Seat No. 4, one of my little darling first-grade riders had a pickle in her hand. A big, juicy, dripping pickle juice all over the seat Dill Pickle!

The juice was all over her hands, all over her face, all in the seat, and somehow it got all over the seat in front of her. And then I saw the pickle seeds swimming in pickle juice!

This little darling has lunch at about 10:45 a.m., she doesn't get to the bus until 3:15 p.m. -- and that means she had been carrying around that Dill Pickle (and we're talking it was one of those MONSTER ones!), she had been carrying it around in her backpack for more than FOUR HOURS! To be eaten and dripped all over MY BUS!

I was very professional about the whole thing. Before I opened my mouth to say what was on my mind, I turned off the engine, which, in turn, turns off the video camera.

MORAL: If you can keep your cool while a little kid is dripping pickle juice all over your bus, you can handle anything!

Get a Haircut; Save the World

I was driving my regular route the other day, windows down and my hair (what's left of it) blowing in the wind, when I had a thought -- if more people got haircuts more often, our economy would probably take a turn for the better, and we'd all look a lot spiffier!

When I got home, I recorded the following podcast:

The Bathrobe Monologues

A Bus Driver's Prayer

Dear God in Heaven,

Thank you for the rain. I supposed we needed it, but it would have been nice if it had quit just as I was parking the bus. I had to walk all the way back to the building, without an umbrella, and had to change my clothes when I got there.

Thank you for giving me the idea to stash a change of clothes in the building just in case of emergencies, like getting sopping wet in the rain. Unfortunately, my "stash" clothes are several years old, and they were bought at a time when I was a whole lot skinnier. (Must remember to update stash).

Thank you for giving me great kids on the bus -- even Little Johnny in the back. I'm not sure why you put him on my bus, and I would certainly be grateful if you saw fit for him to move away (like to Alaska, or Nova Scotia), but I will survive! And I will be victorious!

Thank you for Snow Days! I know it's a bit early, but just for fun, couldn't you surprise us with one -- say, like tomorrow?

Oh well, I understand you can't always get what you ask for.

Amen anyways!

How about a little Drama?

I was driving the band bus Friday night, coming home from a football game, when I did something so stupid it will probably give me nightmares for the rest of the year. I was almost a statistic, and CNN would have had a field day!

There is a point in front of an intersection where, if the light turns yellow, you know it's time to put on the brakes. And then there's a point in front of an intersection where, if the light turns yellow, you keep going because there's no way on this planet you're going to be able to stop the bus -- and you make it through the intersection long before the light turns red. But somewhere inbetween those two points is a ZONE OF INDECISION where you're not sure if you can make it or not. Well, I met that zone on Friday and I made the wrong decision.

There was a pickup in the left lane, just a car's length ahead of me, and I could see he was going to go through the yellow light. For the split second I was in The Zone, I made the decision to follow his lead -- and then he slammed on his brakes. Unfortunately for me, buses can't stop on a dime.

I was going too fast to stop before the intersection -- and I went right through it. The light was clearly red, and the only thing that saved my butt was that no cars were on the cross street.

Moral of The Story -- When you come upon a light that's been green for awhile, err on the side of caution. Slow down, keep foot on brakes, and don't let other vehicles influence your decisions.

(Wow! This is my first time to write something "serious." I hope it's the last time!)